Last round of chemo was last week! Yea! My mom and children showed with encouraging posters and stood outside the window waving them. It was really cool! Chemo went well. I didn't feel really tired until the weekend (Saturday's morning run in St. George). I felt like crap. Trudged through six miles and felt defeated! It's easier to give up than to keep fighting. I struggled all weekend long and into Monday feeling sorry for myself, worrying about what's to come, and if trying to keep running and exercise is even worth it right now.
I know some of you may wonder what the big deal if, but I really have changed my focus this last year with fitness. I used to be so obsessed with it that if I didn't finish a fifteen to eighteen miler on Saturday, I was a failure. My life revolved around exercise or my next workout. My first go round with treatment changed my mind set. As my running pace slowed so did my mileage, then I could no longer run for a while only walk. As we neared the end of treatmentt I started back up with running. It was so nice to run. I was tired of walking, it took forever to go anywhere. So here I was starting from the beginning. Building my endurance and strength back up, except I no longer felt I had to push myself like before. I became OK with where I was with my fitness. It was sort of liberating to go 10 miles or less on Saturday, and look forward to actually going on vacations, because before all this I didn't like going anywhere because I was too worried how I would get a workout in.
Sorry to go off on a tangent. So here I am trying to keep my fighting mojo going, but it was gone. Thank God for my wonderful husband, the power of prayer, and some opportunities to visit with friends. See everyone stays away from you when they aren't sure what to do. You become isolated. It's a lonely place. I have cut hair for years in my little basement salon and that was where I built many friendships and have many great conversations with friends. Because that opportunity has no longer been happening I think I was becoming overwhelmed with everything and it was starting to get to me! So I talked a little bit with my husband about it who just keeps pleading with me to not give up and to keep fighting. I prayed for the Lord to help me get through this and help me change my mindset. I also had some visits with some amazing friends. That is when I realized that cutting hair is one of my outlets for lifting my spirits. I gain strength not only for my family and the Lord, but the relationships I have built strengthen me as well. So once I got over my pity party things feel much better. I do worry about what is to come, but I am ready to fight and win!
Here are a couple of pictures from our little weekend trip to St. George! Mateen had a rugby game so that was the main purpose of the trip, but a great excuse for a little vaca! Mateen is an amazing rugby player and didn't give up this year after being bashed in the mouth by a shoulder (one of these days we will remember to get some pictures).
Kids got to enjoy swimming, shooting hoops, and eating Cafe Rio!! Mateen got the flu Saturday night after his rugby game (poor kid). We have been trying to avoid it all week long and thank heavens it was Desi and Taytum who got it and not me!!! :) I know that is not very nice.
So this week was a break. Next week we do a big physical to make sure my body is ready to do a transplant. They will do a bone marrow biopsy on Tuesday and than we will wait for results. Once the results are in we will begin the next step of the transplant. So it's getting close, but still a little bit in the distance.
I read article by Jeffery R Holland the other day, and one of the things that really touched me was this section that reads, "And when we promise to follow the Savior, to walk in His footsteps, and be his disciples, we are promising to go where that divine path leads us. And the path of salvation has always led one way or another through Gethsemane. So if the Savior faced such injustices and discouragements, such persecutions, unrighteousness, and suffering, we cannot expect that we are not going to face some of that if we still intend to call ourselves His true disciples and faithful followers. In fact, it ought to be a matter of great doctrinal consolation to us that Jesus, in the course of the Atonement, experienced all the heartache and sorrow, all of the disappointments and injustices that the entire family of man had experienced and would experience from Adam and Eve to the end of the world in order that we would not have to face them so severely or so deeply. However heavy our load might be, it would be a lot heavier if the Savior had not gone that way before us and carried that burden with us and for us." I hope you all have a great Easter weekend!
